“Dear Lori”: My Black Answers to Even More Questions About White Privilege

Before I get started with the Q&A, I’m going to share some backstory behind why I’ve decided to create this “Dear Lori” column for Good Black News:

Four years ago I wrote an essay called “What I Said When My White Friend Asked for My Black Opinion on White Privilege” that ended up going viral and getting re-published by several large outlets in 2016, 2017, 2018, and once again this summer.

Each time my white privilege piece circulates, I get a rush of emails, posts, messages, comments, tweets and DMs from new readers. Most are positive, some negative, some hilarious (between “laugh or cry,” I choose “laugh”) and inevitably, some questioning. I try my best to respond individually, but sometimes it’s way too overwhelming a task. Like during the last rush right after Christian Cooper, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd and the nationwide protests.

I did find the energy in late May to write “A Letter to Friends Who Really Want to End Racism” on my personal Facebook page in an attempt to share my thoughts on how to move forward pro-actively. My sister (and GBN co-editor) Lesa encouraged me to publish it on GBN as well. I did, and that piece had its own extra flutter of internet life, too.

I texted Lesa to say her instincts were right again (in 2016 she predicted “What I Said…” would go viral before I posted it) and she responded in spotty text talk: You speak super Black pride and really wanna be woke white — needs to be shared!

Her words gave me a much-needed chuckle during a fraught pandemic shopping trip in a bare-shelved Whole Foods. They also helped crystallize my thoughts on what I might be able to uniquely contribute to the movement for equity and justice.

I wanted to keep helping all the Black, Latinx, Asian, Biracial and Indigenous people who thanked me for writing words they could send to friends, colleagues or family, sparing them the labor of explaining. And if the way I communicated about white privilege and racism really did help white people comprehend these realities in ways they hadn’t before — why not keep doing that? Maybe I’d finally answer some of the follow-up questions I’d been asked.

But just like almost every other Black person in America, lately I’ve been feeling devastated, infuriated, exhausted or emotionally spent. As I am again right now after the Breonna Taylor grand jury decisions. But me being shut down and in my feelings isn’t helping me or anyone else. If what I have to say about these issues does connect and makes a difference (as several readers tell me it does), it’s got to be worth a try.

So that’s why I’m offering “Dear Lori” as a new column where I respond to the questions I’ve received over the years about white privilege and racism. I will use pseudonyms unless I have permission to use a person’s real name (yes, this happens). I will also publish without corrections.

Above all, my mission remains the same as when I wrote the post to my high school friend Jason that started all this: “I feel compelled not only to publish his query but also my response to it, as it may be a helpful discourse…”

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[All letters are published verbatim and without corrections. Only the names have been changed.]

Dear Lori:

I have just read your article describing white privelege to your friend, thank you for explaining it to me as I too am confused about it and feel that I am being labeled something that I dont think I am. I’ll explain briefly I was bullied at school too for having blonde hair and white skin, kids would call me milky bar kid, I was skinny too so was called milky bar twiggy often, it hurt a lot! I was also called barbie often, id get hit, have my hair pulled out and so on. Ive been to countries where ive been given pieces of paper stating if you have blonde hair to cover it up in public. I once had a woman from malaysia try to take me with her back to malaysia to sell my hair as she stated she would make lots of money from it. Obviously I told her where to go. My point is do you not think there are grey areas and that white people in general should not all be labeled in this way and be made to feel guilty about what has happened to others. I get tired even to this day for the remarks I get for having blonde hair, ‘bimbo’, ‘stupid’, ‘barbie’ and the assuption that i am loose because i have blonde hair. With this I am struggling to understand why I should be labelled white privelege? I hope you can help answer this and help to put a stop to anyone being labelled in this way. Kind regards Antoinette

Dear Antoinette:

First off, thanks for taking the time to write to me and, like I said to Jason in the post you read, for trying to understand something you are having a hard time understanding. Also, similar to when I wrote, “Nobody’s mad at you for being white,” nobody in general is trying to make you feel guilty for being white. I know this to be true because you were born with that skin color and it would be absurd, ridiculous and downright inhumane to try to make you feel bad about your skin color, wouldn’t it? I mean, who does that?

So, all that’s being asked of you is that you recognize being white in America affords you certain privileges that being Black in America doesn’t. The most succinct phrase I’ve ever read about it I saw in a 2018 Twitter feed:

“White Privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It means your skin color isn’t one of the things making it harder.”

Now, in your case, you say you’ve been bullied and assaulted because of your fair skin, blonde hair and thinness. That’s rough, not fair and not cool. No one should be treated that way! What you’ve experienced, however, is bigotry and cruelty perpetrated by one or more individuals, not systemic racism. Meaning there is no prevailing system – educational, economic, legal or otherwise – that disproportionately disfavors you because you are white. In fact, in the U.S. (and Malaysia apparently!) the system favors you.

Statistically, just by being white in America you have a better chance at owning a home, earning more money with the same level of degree, living longer, and receiving less time for the same crime than someone Black does. Click through on the link above and read the article and its supporting research for yourself – don’t take my word for it. It’s not media hype or political agenda – there are factual, measured, data-driven studies and scholarly works behind all of this.

In fact, Peggy McIntosh, the Wellesley College professor who coined the phrase “white privilege,” (yep, a white lady with a Harvard Ph.D. came up with that, so it must be real!) did so in her 1988 paper “White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming to See Correspondences Through Work in Women’s Studies” and in her popular follow-up 1989 essay “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack.” I’ve included the link because it’s really worth the read. And maybe what McIntosh says about white privilege will sink in for you since she’s actually experienced it first-hand.

Antoinette, I hope my answer helped. Unfortunately, I can’t honor your other request to put a stop to labelling white people as having white privilege, because the only way in good conscience I could do that is if white privilege ceased to exist. Which it could, if that extraordinary day when everyone is treated fairly and justly in all aspects of society were finally to appear.

So now that I’ve taken the time to answer your questions, will you do the same for me? I have only one for you, and it’s this: What do you think you can do to help bring about that extraordinary day?

Take care and all best,

Lori